Scripts For Tweens: When They Won't Listen

The one question that changes the dynamic and why pressure makes everything worse.

This Week’s Scenario

Every day, the same things. Coat on the floor. Room a disaster. Teeth not brushed until you’ve asked three times. Toilet not flushed. Dirty clothes next to the laundry basket, not in it. You’ve asked nicely. You’ve asked sternly. You’ve taken things away. You’ve praised the rare moments it goes right. And still, tomorrow, you’ll wake up and do it all again.

What makes this age particularly maddening is that you know they know better. This isn’t a toddler who can’t manage transitions or a young child still learning how the household works. This is a ten, eleven, twelve year old who puts their bag in their cubby at school without being asked, who follows instructions from their teacher without an argument, who knows exactly what’s expected of them in every environment outside your home. And yet here, with you, nothing sticks.

That gap, between who they are out there and who they seem to be at home, is actually important information. It tells you this isn’t a capability problem. It’s a motivation problem. And motivation at this age is deeply tied to something most parents aren’t thinking about when they’re standing in the doorway asking for the third time why the room still isn’t clean.

Your tween is figuring out who they are. Read the companion podcast this week for a fuller explanation of what’s driving the behavior at this age, and why the approach that worked when they were seven probably isn’t working anymore.

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Listen to the podcast

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Scripts

When the daily reminders aren’t working