When Parents Undermine Each Other In Front Of The Kids
Why the moment kids watch their parents disagree matters more than the disagreement itself, and what it does to a child's sense of safety at home.
One of my teenagers asked if he could go out with friends for the afternoon during the summer holidays. I said yes. My husband said no. We immediately turned our attention towards each other, and our teen had already ran out the door.
We each believed we were right, and our son stood in front of us watching this split decision, and made his own decision in that moment, which one of us he was going to listen to.
This essay isn’t about who was right. It’s about a kid having to choose between his parent’s decisions, and what that ends up costing him.
Two very different things that look the same from the outside
Different versions of this scenario have played out in my home over the last twenty years with each of my four kids, and here’s what I’ve learned.
Often, and most commonly, there are two parents who love the same child fiercely, who see a completely different amount of risk in the exact same situation, and who let that disagreement spill out before either of them has had a chance to catch it. In our case, my husband wasn’t trying to win our son over or score a point against me. He was scared. Underneath the frustration was a father who couldn’t stand the thought of his own child losing his way. That fear came from love, even when it didn’t sound like it in the moment. I talk about my perspective in the podcast episode coming Wednesday.
Sometimes, there’s the parent who contradicts the other parent on purpose. Who overturns a ‘no’ just to be the fun one. Who lets a child break a rule just so the child will run to them next time instead of the other parent. That parent isn’t reacting out of fear or a different read on the situation, they’re using the child as a way to win something. And children, even young ones, can feel the difference between being loved and being used as a prize.
Both versions can look similar in the moment, when a parent’s decision gets undercut in front of their children. But one comes from two people who need a better system, and the other comes from a parent who needs a serious look at what they’re actually trying to get out of their own child.
What it costs your child, either way
Here’s the part that surprised me the most as I thought about this. It’s not really the disagreement that unsettles a child. Kids are watching us all the time, and they can handle knowing their parents don’t see everything the same way. What unsettles them is watching the disagreement happen without any resolution in front of them, because in that moment they’re the referee, the prize, and the reason for the disagreement all at the same time, and no child is equipped to handle that weight.
When a child watches a decision unravel in real time, what they learn is that the rules are negotiable if you know how to work the room. That authority in this house depends on which parent you ask, not on what’s actually right for you. And underneath all of that, they learn that the two people who are supposed to be the most united front in their life aren’t actually on the same team.
I don’t think our son consciously registered all of that in the moment. He just saw an opening and took it, the way most teenagers would. But I felt it. I felt what it does to a marriage to have a decision turn into a public disagreement instead of a private one. And I thought about what it teaches a child about how a husband and wife are supposed to handle things when they don’t see eye to eye.
What Islam asks of us here
In the Qur’an, Allah swt describes a decision that two parents have to make together, about weaning their child, and says there’s no blame on either of them if they decide it
“..through mutual consent from both of them and consultation.”
(Surah Baqarah, 2:233)
Consultation. Not one parent overruling the other in the moment. Not a decision that gets made twice, once by each parent, in front of their child who then gets to pick a winner. A decision that gets worked out between the two of you, so that whatever gets said to your child comes from a united place, even if you disagreed loudly about it five minutes earlier behind a closed door.
That’s the model. Not that you’ll never disagree with each other. You will, and if you’re honest, you probably disagree about your kids more than almost anything else in your marriage. But the disagreement belongs to the two of you. What your child sees should be the outcome of that consultation, not the argument itself.
Where we ended up
We’ve each talked through our point of view, and listened to each others since this happened. The truth is, this situation has come up several times since, with the same kid, with our other kids. This isn’t a one and done conversation. Figuring out how to handle things going forward so that our kids aren’t caught in the middle of a decision will take a lot of work behind the scenes. It hasn’t been perfect, but it’s gotten a little bit easier each time.
If you recognized yourself in this today, whether you were the one who was undermined, or you realize now that you were the one who was undermining your spouse, know this. Every married couple raising children is negotiating this in real time - there’s no rehearsal, no do-overs. The difference isn’t whether you’ll ever disagree in front of your kids again. It’s what you do about it afterwards, and whether you’re willing to build a real system for it instead of hoping it sorts itself out.
You’re doing better than you think.
With du’a,
Gulnaz, Halal Parenting
That’s exactly what we’re getting into this Friday in This Week At Home. Real scripts for how to handle it when you and your spouse disagree in the moment, what to say to each other afterward, and how to repair it with your child if the damage is already done, broken down for every age from toddlers to teens. This is the part that actually changes how your house runs, and it’s only for paid subscribers.
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